


modesty

by kyrilu



Series: unconnected wwdits ficlets [1]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Ficlet, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Sex Mishap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25798642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrilu/pseuds/kyrilu
Summary: “This is the most humiliating thing I’ve experienced in my life,” Guillermo said.“Ever.”
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Series: unconnected wwdits ficlets [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1878775
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84





	modesty

**Author's Note:**

> I've been badly writer's blocked, and then I saw chastity belt jokes in the wild. Thank you, I think (???) (this is dumb sex humor ok, feel free to ignore this)

“This is the most humiliating thing I’ve experienced in my life,” Guillermo said. “ _Ever_.”

Shanice, who was currently paging through a dusty spell book, looked up at him. “Really? Worse than the garlic thing?”

“Worse than the garlic thing,” Guillermo confirmed.

“Have you tried _guest_?”

“And _swordfish._ And all the weird nicknames that I’ve heard Laszlo and Nadja call each other, and the names for his – Laszlo Junior.”

“Or Senior, going by the size of that thing,” Shanice said, and Guillermo bit back the urge to groan. “G, I don’t know if I can help you. Lilith’s just taught me the basics so far. I can do tele—telephonesis—making things float in the air.”

Guillermo has always enjoyed his carried-in-the-air flights with Nandor, but he wouldn’t enjoy being dragged like a sack of potatoes by a witch apprentice’s magic. It wouldn’t help his predicament, anyway.

She went on, “I know how to bake a really mean double-chocolate-chip brownie from a coven recipe.”

“Is it weed?” Guillermo wondered. Maybe that was what he needed right now.

“And I can set things on fire--” Shanice stopped, registering the expression on his face. “Right. I’m gonna be super dead if I burn off your dick. Like, first degree, going to decorate the nearest river with poor Shanice’s blood, excruciating murder.”

Guillermo made a face. “It won't be that bad. He knows you're trying to help.” Besides, there was a hunter-vampire peace agreement in place at the moment, partly because of his efforts.

“Sure,” Shanice said, doubtfully. “But, jeez, de la Cruz. Next time, don’t let your stupid vampire boyfriend borrow Laszlo Cravensworth’s sex toys. Because _sometimes_ it’s going to be a magical witchy chastity belt with magical witchy security enchantments, _which I haven’t fucking learned yet_.”

Firstly, Guillermo hadn’t known it had been Laszlo’s, and secondly, how was he supposed to know that it was some kind of magic thing that Lilith had given Laszlo centuries ago? You don’t look a gift chastity belt in the mouth, especially when his stupid vampire boyfriend looked at him with eager mischievous eyes and murmured, _please, Guillermo, even though you’re no longer a tasty virgin because of me, I want to see you deny yourself_ _more_ _and beg--_

Stupid, stupid vampire boyfriend.

The metal contraption felt cold and harsh at his waist. Guillermo was relieved that the incorrect password traps weren't that lethal; it was just some arrows and spikes, which they had handily dealt with for the most part. 

Nandor was in the midst of trying to get more potential passwords from Nadja and Laszlo – last time Guillermo had called the house, Nandor had written several feet of parchment of significant romantic destinations in the couple’s long lives.

(“Did you know they had bat intercourse on the Eiffel Tower? We should try that sometime. Kind of awkward and we’d have to bring blankets and pillows, but it’s bright and sparkling at night. You know how much I like sparkling things, Guillermo.”

“Nandor, I can’t turn into a bat.”

“TDB, Guillermo.”

“TBD.”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”)

“Oh hey, I think I got it!” Shanice exclaimed, jolting Guillermo out of his thoughts. “Just got to turn it off and on and reset the password.” She took a wand out of her pocket – it served as a stake, too, the wooden tip pointed – and waved it in Guillermo’s direction.

The mechanisms whirled and clicked, sparking blue – Shanice said, “Guest,” – and finally, Guillermo’s loins were free. Shanice politely put her hand over her eyes. “You owe me big time,” she said.

“I know,” Guillermo said, sighing. This was going to be a big favor. His friend wasn’t like the rest of the Brooklyn coven, easily bribed by vampire semen. “Give me a call when you need me to slay a dragon for ritual ingredients or whatever you have in mind.”

“I was actually thinking one of Wallace’s zombies, because I’ve been wondering how they tick.”

“Brains smashed or intact?”

“Intact.”

Guillermo nodded his assent. And he pulled up his boxers and pants and practically fled Shanice’s apartment, because Nandor wasn’t going to get away with this consequence-free, and Guillermo planned to make _him_ beg in bed tonight.


End file.
